simply miserable

To my dear friend JC.

I do have times like that as well.

Apathetic.

So often,
I feel like the black sheep of the family.

Never contributing anything.
I hate doing chores, so, I'd pretend to study.

I NEVER in tend to do well in my studies,
(my 2nd darkest secret)
I could not let go that hatred.
I am till now,
not willing to accept the fact that my parents spend 90% of their money on my sister's oversea education.
Pooh! Where I'm left here, can't even dream of going abroad.

From time to time,
I feel fed-up going to school.

Felt as if I could not fit in with my group of friends,
as they have different 'channels' with me.

It seems like I've lost contact with them.
There seems to be no matter in common that I can converse with them.

I cannot blame anyone.
As it is my problem that I've to settle myself.

I'd be wacky and witty,
where I find myself so fake,
making me rather keep away then being something I'm not.

People like to give advices, criticism.
I am just the same.
(I'd try my hardest not to do so)

Through experience,
I realize that I actually hate people who act as if they know me well.

I don't even know myself.
What more, others?

Sometimes,
I have an aversion to tell others my problem.
As, humans may find me depressing and like to think too much.
(as if you're not).
And would try to give advice and do something to help me solve my problems.

Just plain repulsive.

I assume we are all the in the same condition.

When people do something for me that I can and need to do myself,
they can contribute to my fear and weakness.
But when people accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel,
no matter how irrational,
then I quit trying to convince you
and get about the business of understanding
what's behind this irrational feeling.

I guess, me & JC & many of us are all blogging with the same purpose.

To express the deepest soreness that may seem absurd.
Yet, not wanting others to tattletale about 'our problems'.

Uggghh....

I am just so pathetic.